I am going to open up with: How can we expect somebody to love us more than we love ourselves when we wouldn't expect them to love us more than they love themselves?
One thing I can safely admit to is how important relationships (all types) are not only for our growth but as fundamental physical need for the body to survive. The core essence and creative force behind a relationship is something you cannot receive anywhere else. Yes, you can work on your inner world relentlessly but until you are standing in front of someone and they are mirroring your work through them, you don't quite get to feel it so deeply.
What is it about relationships that can often leave us feeling empty and unsatisfied? One simple answer: You. Until you are ready to look there, these will continue on this path. Why am I in this loop? What is it? How is it? Where did it begin? What can I do? When these questions start to arise, you have perhaps started the inner work of change. Sometimes it hits us early on in life from a big event or sometimes a bit later when we start to break everything down and are tired of our own shit. No way is the correct way, it is all YOUR way.
This information and these blogs aren't intended to force people to change. They are here simply as a 'I've been through it, here's my story, I hope it helps comfort you'. That's it. Something I discovered recently, nothing brings me more joy than a really healthy bond. That's really it for me. A simple pleasure in life. Nothing will ever be perfect, but we can sure as hell make it enjoyable for the most part.
There was a moment recently where I had to visit past timelines of myself and not only forgive myself in those moments but nurturing myself through with unconditional acceptance that I was doing the best I could do with the tools that I had at the time. I believe most of us are unconsciously moving through life, I definitely was for most of my first 30 years. We attach ourselves to societal norms of how it should be. How we should act. What we should say. But I don't blame us, most of the time it is VERY loud.
I remember I had such resistance to dating. I always had been like that growing up and yes this was something instilled in me from catholicism but I did also feel different in my body. Different to what was said. Different to what everyone else was doing. It was like my body didn't match the words. It was such a social norm to go out and date as many people as possible 'get back on the horse' some would say. Forget about the last 'idiot'. Treating people like commodities and expecting that this wasn't fed right back to us 10 fold. Then the apps came it was all over for traditional dating. I understand as humans we need to evolve and I fully believe that to my core. But one thing I don't believe is going against your body's calling vs what the outside noise is telling you. I reprogrammed my beliefs and now solidly in my soul believe that when two people come together (platonic or romantic) it's all as it's meant to in divine timing. It doesn't need to be forced or pushed.
One thing I always thought back then was 'I am so nice, why am I being treated like this'. Well yes, surface level I might have been. But it wasn't my personality engaging in relationships, it was my inner child. Screaming to be heard. Screaming to relive the past to figure out 'WHY'. Why I wasn't nurtured, why I wasn't loved how I wanted to be loved? why wasn't I given all the attention? why I was treated so differently to the opposite sex? why isn't anybody listening to me? why do boys/men leave me? why don't I feel safe around the masculine? So many WHY's. That was what I was attracting in essence. A child's needs in an adults body. Something that was never going to be sustainable.
Until we heal these parts of us, our relationships could be showing these parts to us. If we aren't willing to look or see what they are showing us then they may just look like that person isn't meeting our expectations, they aren't what I want them to be, they aren't good enough for me etc but in hindsight, this is simply what we haven't met inside of ourselves already. Nobody is ever going to think something of you that you don't already think of yourself. Because if you didn't, you wouldn't even hear it! It wouldn't exist. Yes, all in divine timing and we most likely need these experiences to realise it. But we do not need to loop through them 1000 times. That seems unnecessary to me.
To continue the conversation of expectations... I recently saw a post about the right to have expectations, men should do 'the bare minimum' (another trend) just full on hyper-independence. 'I don't need no man' yet you are searching high and low for one? If you think dating is about creating a shopping list and taking it on a date to check it off - stop dating. Not in a bad way but you'll soon realise that nobody will ever fulfil your needs. Only you can. Yeah hard to believe right? Because we have been SO conditioned to believe that another person MUST comply to our regulations or thank you next. Imagine the ancestors turning in their graves at this atrocity. Love bares zero expectations, I promise you that. Once you realise that, you are ready to attract your dream partner.
When did relationships become a shopping list of ticks that must comply to your expectations? I bet your mum & dad never had a shopping list. Again, we do need to evolve but if you can't see the very problem in the evolution here then you aren't ready for a healthy relationship. I am sorry, you simply are not. We once lived amongst very masculine men, yes mostly unhealthy, but now we are living with emasculated men and hyper-independent masculine women. To me that looks like a flawed evolution. Something went wrong and something needs to be corrected. Expectations somehow came into the mix as a trendy way to seperate me to you. Like we aren't the same human essence in our own bodies here living our own experience. Expecting someone to be YOUR way is like asking them to live your experience. Why would they want to do that? Ask yourself, would you be upset if they had their own expectations of you? Asked you to change who you are? Or would you want them to accept you as you are? Beautifully flawed. This goes for both males & females here. We are both riding the expectation trend.
So how can we change this?
It's quite simple really...
Let it go....
Let go of expectations of others. This goes in ALL relationships, family, friends, strangers. They are not you and they are living their own experience, we cannot expect them to be like us. In fact, why would we want them to be? One of us in our experience is enough! Instead look at it as joining forces with another human where we have enough similarities to bond, the rest is whatever needs to come through as it needs to. Even bonding with someone completely opposite to you could show you significant parts of yourself! Sometimes 'good' sometimes 'bad'. I say it like this because none of it is good or bad, it is growth. The highs & the lows are all teaching us along the journey. This is how I see it.
Searching for someone to tick your boxes will not end in the fairytale you're searching for.
Once we drop the expectations we can start to let go of the 'need' from another. Instead, embodying those 'needs' within and therefore attracting those parts of ourselves we love so much. When we let go we can start to give ourselves those things we are 'craving' from another human. Love, passion, chemistry, safety just to name a few of the common ones, start by giving these to yourselves so that they become an infinite stream you always have access to. More self love, more self care, doing things that light us up, more embodiment. Then nobody will ever need to give you these but simply mirror them back to you even more so. How beautiful is that?
If you want to feel more love in your life, fall in love with yourself and watch that emanate back to you!
If you ‘want’ something in a partner - go and embody it. Like attracts like.
If you are ‘craving’ something from a partner - go and give that to yourself. Then you have infinite access to it.
Imagine this, you are with your current partner or you meet a new partner and you now have zero expectations of what they do, say, make etc and they have zero expectations of you too. Those parts of them do not exist in you and they do not exist in them. They are just there as another human body, just like you. What do you see now? What do you feel now? What do you want to do now? Are you free to enjoy their mere presence? Are you free to receive whatever they want to give you without you asking or them asking of you? Good or bad, are you free? Which one feels more like a trap? The multiple expectations or the zero expectations?
Now close your eyes and actually imagine it, embody it. How did you feel?
If we keep searching for the perfect partner and have expectations we will end up disappointed after the honeymoon season. We will get used to not having what we ‘want’ we will put up with ‘expectations’ until they eat us inside. But if we go in releasing all these things and simply in search for someone we accept as they are then there is absolutely nothing to ever change.
It's very normal to feel like expectations are the key to a successful relationship. I get it, it's engrained in us. 'Ensure they do this and that otherwise red flag'. Even our parents did this to us 'make sure you find someone who has stability', when they wouldn't have had that protocol. Everyone always trying to create safety. A cause created from lack rather than abundance. Trying so hard to create safety in experiencing heartache. But what if heartache was all a part of the experience? Something we all agreed on before we came here and now we are doing everything in our power to avoid it and therefore avoiding the true essence of experience here on Earth.
One thing I believe, is that we all came here to experience. All in our own unique ways. There is no one way to experience life. Not even identical twins experience life the same. We all have our own lens here. Where did we lose the compassion for someone else's experience? No matter how they see it?
For me, this is a fundamental way to experience here on Earth now. Experiencing a more present, everything is happening for my highest good timeline. Yes, I am human and it isn't always perfect every day. But I accept the perfectly flawed less expectations version of my highest timeline now.
Now you just need to ask yourself, do you?