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I took 1 year off dating for the second time and this is what happened!

If you want to listen to this rather than reading, click play ⤵️

This one is going to get deep.. be prepared. 

From a young age I had the fear of God put on me. Not the cool God we have within, the idolised Catholic God. The 'Don't have sex until you're married'. 'Don't sleep around, this is not how women behave' God. So I did what any child in my particular shoes would do, I followed the rules. I did not join my friends in what they were doing. I did not judge them, I just had fear instilled in me. Looking back, I am glad I was taught this way. But it also started my rebellion era. I wanted to do what I wanted, but I didn't want to push the boundaries too far. If there was an invisible fence of boundaries that I was taught, I enjoyed running for about 1km over it. But then quickly returning before anybody noticed. That was my life for as far as I can remember and to some extent, it is still that way. 

The rebellion era is another blog, for another time.

Don't get me wrong, just because I wasn't sleeping with boys, didn't mean I wasn't dating them or exploring other things with them. This was the 1km north of the boundary I gave myself permission to explore. But I quickly came back before I was ever caught. Though if I was caught, I already had a back up plan for my back up plan. I am sure my parents knew the lies I spun. But hey, I am still here at 35 to tell the story so we can all put that behind us. The teen years were definitely fun, explorative and somewhat cringe worthy if I reflect back.

Early into my 20's after a very extremely painful break-up I went into the trial & error phase as I like to call it now. It was a crazy time. I had short-term relationships and longish term ones, but nothing where I could have said I was going to marry this person. This was the time I was running away from my prior traumatic break-up. That running went on until I was 32.

I will say, no regrets. I enjoyed every part of it. It was a deep learning experience of how trauma bonds are actually enjoyable despite what modern day society says. Why would you not want to have a short passionate relationship? However, even in these relationships, I always played it safe. I never did anything unless I knew it was going to sustain a little longer than one date. I still used my intuition in trusting the other. But let me tell you, this was all an experiment in itself. Something I highly recommend you all do if you dare. Or you can stop running, deal with your break-up ALONE and move on in the best way possible. 

This is when I learnt at 32, the importance of actually healing your wounds, on your own, in your time and at your own pace. 

It was at 32 where I took my first break. I was done. It was over. No more running from the past. I am going to deal with everything in the best way I knew how, alone. This meant no dating, no dating apps, not even texting anybody. At first I said I would do this for 6 months, then as the time went on, I was feeling the effects and it almost got addictive as well as it became a challenge. I remember at one point I made a friend who was also on around the same time frame as me so we challenged each other to who would break first. It was me, I broke it haha but it was 2 years later.

Looking back, I cannot believe I did this and I was so proud of myself. For the past 10 years I had made men my safety blanket of 'someone cares about me today'. I put people outside of me in higher importance than I did of myself. I will never do this again. I promise you that.

In that time, I was able to go deeply within. Truly heal from the breakup 10 years ago. I was able to find me again. I was able to integrate all the parts of me that I hated. But above all, I was able to cry. Yep, little non-emotional me, cried for 2 years straight it feels like. I cried out all the pain. All the pain from birth until 32 years, I cried and screamed it out of me. It was a horrendous yet blissful time for me. I found myself again. I found my emotions again, my actual ones, not the leaky ones that were lingering from the boys. It was one of the darkest, yet most rewarding times for me. Yet, I would do it all again a million times over. I learnt more about myself in those two years than I did in the previous 32 years. I cannot recommend this enough for the single men & women. 

This was also the time of the beginning of, need I say it C*vid. So that experience also took me into the darkness and the light all at the same time. I was really shedding so many layers of myself in this time. So many. I had to watch past versions of myself jump off the balcony. I had to let them go. I had to watch myself metamorphosis into a new human. There was deep sadness, rage, forgiveness and above all acceptance. Then there was love. Something I didn't quite feel so deeply for so many years. But it came back. I got to feel it again. 

The most rewarding was the love for myself. This felt like true authentic love. When you can look at yourself in the mirror, like really gaze into your eyes and say 'I love you', you know you've been through hell and back to get to that point. This was not easy. I did so many things to get to that point. You name it, I probably did it. I am going to list below some of the things that I remember I did.

  • Inner Child Healing (a big player in the game)

  • Kundalini Yoga

  • Meditation

  • Breathwork

  • Plant Medicine - Mushrooms, Rapeh, THC oil, CBD

  • Trained with a Shaman

  • Sound Healing

  • Cacao ceremonies

  • Reiki / Healing / Spiritual surgery

  • Group healings / ceremonies

  • Journaling - so much of this

  • Speaking to friends

  • Kinesiology (game changer)

  • Stop drinking alcohol

  • Timeline therapy / NLP / Coaching

  • Online courses / in-person courses

  • Listened to hours on end of podcasts

  • Watched YouTube videos on topics in this field

  • Went deep into conspiracy theories

  • Lived at the beach

I also worked my butt off in this time. I started my own business so that really kept me occupied. Not saying you need to be occupied, but it definitely helps distract you when you need a distraction. I will say this, we are human and the best thing we can do is be human. So these things often take us out, bring us back and they too can get very exhausting on the body, mind & soul. So I was very mindful of still being human. This is where work came into it as well as living on the Gold Coast. We all know what that means. We had a great time. I was living with my best friend at the time and we were 'living our best lives'. We knew what we needed to do to have fun and still enjoy the ride. I am very grateful she was there on the journey with me. She even got to enjoy seeing the tears - a rare occurrence for anybody that knows me. I can be very vulnerable in my own safe little space but to do it around others, this was a new level unlocked. This allowed me to understand how truly powerful community and others are. How much safer this experience can be with others around. Something I will forever be grateful for.

I loved every minute of this experience, it really taught me a new way of being human and I knew from that moment on I would integrate all of this into my daily life forever. I will tell you now, I have stuck to that promise. Not a day goes by that I don't do something for me. Sometimes a small practice or a bigger one. I do this daily to ensure I am feeling truly aligned when I need to be. I don't wait until it's too late.

One of the biggest breakthroughs I had in this time was through a mushroom ceremony that I did, by myself. Yeah, I am crazy. This is where I started to realise I could overcome my fears. Plant Medicine never really scared me but after that experience I can safely say, I was brave. It was not easy and upon reflection I would never recommend doing it the way that I did. Each to their own and however you feel called but it was touch and go. But I am here to tell the story so everything is ok. It wasn't that I was not safe, it was more the emotions and the trauma could have been perhaps handled better with the assistance of somebody else there. However, all as it's meant to be as I always say. 

This experience taught me love. The real embodied meaning of love. I felt it deep in the trenches of my cells. It was me, it was you, it was everything. This was the true essence here. I really truly needed to feel it in this way to understand it. And I did. I went on a journey to the pitfalls of hell right through to the purest form of ecstacy, all within minutes of each other. It was extreme highs and extreme lows. Kind of like life really is, but much more intense through an 8 hour window. I will truly be forever grateful for this experience. Something I will never forget. If you want to hear about the whole journey, I recorded a video here.

After I did this 5 day ceremony on my own, this is when the magic started to happen in my life. It all started to unfold. I really feel like my life changed forever after that ceremony. I was a different human and I ensured I integrated as much as I could. I of course, came back to reality but I took as much of it all as I could. 

Everything was brighter, more vibrant. Everything had more meaning after that. Life slowed down but at the same time it sped up in ways I could not have imagined. I felt as if so many of my dreams were becoming a reality. I felt happier in myself, with my relationships. I felt content in everything. To my core, everything was just as it was meant to be. I cannot remember a time before that where I was this happy. This content with life. I made it and I did it, it was all me. It was possible. 

So let's go shake things up I thought to myself. Because what is life without the ups and downs, the polarity, the yin & yang? It's nothing right? Now I know this is how life is meant to be. Without the downs we will never truly feel the highs. Yes, we can come to a balanced life, I truly believe that. But I don't believe that is it for me. I am here to experience so that I can share my experiences with others. Not only that, I chose to experience it in this way and I am so happy that I did. I can truly say that I really do enjoy everything life has thrown at me. Don't get me wrong, when I am in the darkest parts of the darkness it can feel like you will never get out and it can feel like the pain will not end. The pain can get so intense you have physical reactions. Sometimes you even regret taking yourself down the path, but you always get out. Trust me, you always get out. If you choose to. You have a choice. Make it.

Take back your power. Reclaim it. 

I choose to go down here because I was sick of my own shit. When you realise it's all you, you can take that and change it if you dare. But with that, comes eye opening realisations about you, about others, about the world around you. Most people are not ready for the truth. Most people are not ready to look. Most people will say 'there's nothing to see, my life is fine' then get blind drunk on Saturday night to ensure they don't think too deeply and just chill out. Now, this isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It is quite the opposite. Once you see, you cannot un-see, you cannot go back to life before. There will continue to be highs and lows, there will continue to be heartbreak and loss but we just get better at dealing with it and not allowing ourselves to be a victim of the pain but rather learn from the pain, feel the pain for as long as you need to. Make the pain yours, not it you.

This is the journey of life for me. I want to enjoy every second of it and the way that I was living prior was not enjoyable. It made me angry, miserable, a loner. It made me not want to help people. It took me away from love. I simply wanted love back.

This is when I decided to start dating again. The first date was an utter disaster and I almost was like, yep not doing this. Almost. Then I met a nice guy who came on strong, exactly what I needed. I remember sitting on our first date and he said 'can I kiss you?' and leant over the table and did it. I don't think that has ever happened in my life, but here we are. Jumping into the deep waters, just the way I like it. This encounter taught me how far I had come. How much I was willing to stand for and accept. I am truly grateful for how far I’ve come. He was not giving me what I was looking for, so I set him free. Just as we all should do. 

Then before I almost gave up for a second time. In entered my soul connection destined for me in the most perfect timing I could ever have asked for. I would need another blog to explain it all, in fact there is a mini book coming all about it, so you will have to wait for that. But what I will tell you is, when you really step back and ask for what you want... the universe will deliver. But I will warn you, they might not deliver it in the way that you expected. The best thing you can do is accept it as it comes, as it is exactly what you need. This was a deep lesson I needed to learn.

Trusting the universe, trusting all is unfolding for you, just as it's meant to, is the greatest lesson I have integrated to date. It has opened up a realm of endless possibilities. Anything can come, I am not afraid, I embrace it. I have gone to the darkness, I am not afraid to do it again. I am not afraid to ask for what I want and be delivered that in a different colour. Perhaps I imagined the colour wrong, perhaps this colour is better for me. Don't question it for too long, accept it, take it and see what happens. You will either have a happy ending or you will grow and blossom into something new. Or both. Who knows!

I got what I asked for. And it was dark, light, blissful, painful and everything in between. 

Do I regret it? Not one single bit. 

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I promise you, this sentence is my truth. Sometimes it might last a week, a month, a year or 10 years. Don't set an expectation on the time, live it, be it and if the time comes to set it free, do it. Don't hold on because you fear the pain. Be brave and let it go because you know it was exactly as it was meant to be and the pain will always subside. Everything is perfectly as it's meant to be.

Love is the most euphoric place one can go. Yes, it is all around us but in a relationship it take you to new heights of euphoria. I would do it all again 10x over. 

If I didn't take the break that I did, I do not truly believe I would have experienced a higher conciseness relationship as I did. I was able to bring so many parts of me to the surface and in-turn attract something much more aligned for where I was at than I could have ever done before. In fact, all the previous ones, yes they happened as they were meant to but they also could have not happened. I would still be where I am today. I believe that.

But not this relationship. This one changed me. This one changed my course, it cracked me open in ways I never thought possible. This happened because I allowed it to. I was more aware, more conscious and more open to whatever needed to come through. I listened to my body way more than my mind and it took me on 14 months of bliss. The exact amount of time it needed to. Not a single thing I would change or do differently. I did the best I could with the tools that I had at the time, so did he.

Nothing bad happened in the end and that's what truly made it harder. We are often shown how relationships end and for the most part, it's never well. But this one, we just both knew time was up and it was time to go. This was painful. I lost my best friend and partner all in one hit. I felt like a stone had been thrown on my body and I couldn't get out from under it. 

Here in comes the 1 year break that changed everything. The one I recommend for everyone out there going through a break-up. If you can, take as much time off as you can possible. Be alone. Completely alone. If you can. 

This was the life-changing year for me. Something I will do forever if I don't get married next month. 

Oh what a time this past year has been. I took off on an adventure of a lifetime and it has been the most magical experience I could ever thought possible. I lived in places I never thought I would, I made connections I never thought possible and I did it all on my own. All whilst going through the depths of darkness. But the magic has only happened exactly one year later. I had to go through the real dark knight of the soul before that could happen. I thought the other break was the dark knight, nope, this one was it. What a ride. 

This was the hardest year of my life. It was definitely touch and go on if I would survive the pain. Those of you that have been through a break-up will know. Perhaps not. But at one stage I had physical pain in my heart. That was the worst of it. I cried so hard I thought I wouldn't be able to stop crying. One night, I actually didn't. I cried for around 6 hours straight. Heart wrenching tears and pain I never thought I would survive. But I did. I am here. 

This time I really saw. I saw my patterns, my shadows, my darkness. So many things I wanted to hate about myself, so many things I wanted to blame myself for. But I couldn't do that. It didn't work. I quickly learnt that I had to accept these parts of me. I had to accept that everything happened for me. I couldn't be a victim of my reality. I couldn't keep thinking 'what if'. In turn, this experience allowed me to look back on my entire life and accept it all. All of it. From birth until now. I looked at every part of it. All the pain, all the happiness. I saw it all again in a whole new layer. A whole new perspective that I had to revisit and rework otherwise I was not allowed out of this dark hole that I was in. 

Fuck it was hard. 

This is where I saw real beauty though. Beauty in myself and how I get through these moments and beauty in others that came along my path. So much beauty even amongst the pain. It was truly a life-changing moment of my life. I again, had to watch another version of myself jump off the balcony. I had to say goodbye. Accept her, but move her along. 

There is something so powerful about really healing after a break-up. Like really healing the parts of you that you were scared to look at. Assess it all and come back to you. Relationships can often become very intertwined. Well mine was especially. We spent every single day together from the day that we met and then lived and travelled together after 2 months. We were not separated for more than a few hours at a time. So it took a lot to untangle that web. It took over a year, that's how long. But that's how I needed to do it, I know that now. Because each time I thought I was out of it, I was in-fact just unravelling a new layer. The pull got more loose as time went on and that's the only way I can explain it. My mind took over so many times and told me to try a different angle to go back, but my body always won. I always took the body route. My greatest lesson in this integration. Always listen to your body. 

1 year and 1 month it took me to click. It took 1 year to allow myself to be open again. In that year I focused on myself, I did not talk to 1 male on more than a friendship level. I did not go on any dating sites. I barely even looked in the direction of a man. I physically couldn't as my chord was still attached. But then I cut it. I gave myself the grace, but then it was time to cut it. I learnt all that I needed to and it was time to finally let it go, stop holding on, it was time. 

I will tell you the exact moment I was ready again. When I took a trip and I landed in Turkey. I stepped off the plane and I saw nothing but beauty. Even after the traumatic flight that I had, I saw beauty. I was alive again. I have my attraction back. Thank God. It was definitely touch and go on not knowing if I would feel it again. Maybe it was being closer to a home turf, I am not sure, but I felt it and I was glad that I did. 

This did not mean I was ready to date universe, so don't get any ideas. 

But of course the universe had ideas. Or should I say the ancestors did. I will leave this story for the next chapter that awaits. The next chapter that is unfolding. 

The biggest message I have here. The biggest truth to be told is that if you take the time to heal after an experience it really brings you back to you. It brings you into your true alignment. If you don't integrate all the learnings, the pain, the trauma how can you upgrade from it? For me, if I don't do this in everything that I experience, I believe it is all for nothing. The experience is fun, but the integration is truly the most important part. This is where the growth happens and if I am not growing with all that I do then I don't feel a purpose in what I am doing. For some this might sound exhausting, for me it's what I call my version of my abundant life.

Give yourself permission to heal, to integrate, to come back to you. Take all the time that you need.

As we would say in Thai, kop khun ka (Thank you).

Adelina x

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